Cognizance
by kaelan
Summary: What if the talk Rose had with Bella in Eclipse went a little differently? What if Bella knew exactly what she was giving up? One-shot.


**A/N: I know I haven't updated **_**Infinite**_** in months, and have no business writing another story, but this one just kept bouncing around in my head. So, for my peace of mind, I'm just getting it out of the way. I'm not too happy with how this turned out, but I don't really care anymore – it's like, 4.30 in the morning where I am. So, here it is.**

Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure.

"Of course," I replied, my voice an octave high with surprise. "Come on in."

I sat up, sliding to the end of the sofa to make room. My stomach twisted nervously as the one Cullen who did not like me moved silently to sit down in the open space. I tried to come up with a reason why she would want to see me, but my mind was a blank on that point.

"Do you mind talking to me for a few minutes?" she asked. "I didn't wake you or anything, did I?" Her eyes shifted to the stripped bed and back to my couch.

"No, I was awake. Sure, we can talk." I wondered if she could hear the alarm in my voice as clearly as I could.

"Please don't think I'm horribly interfering," Rosalie said, her voice gentle and almost pleading. She folded her hands in her lap and looked down at them as she spoke. "I'm sure I've hurt your feelings enough in the past, and I don't want to do that again."

"Don't worry about it, Rosalie. My feelings are great. What is it?"

She laughed again, sounding oddly embarrassed. "I'm going to try to tell you why I think you should stay human — why I would stay human if I were you."

I waited while she stared out the window. She seemed to be trying to calm herself.

"I lived in a different world than you do, Bella. My human world was a much simpler place. It was nineteen thirty-three. I was eighteen, and I was beautiful. My life was perfect."

She looked at me with unfathomable eyes. "It was a different time. I was the same age as you, but I was ready for it all. I yearned for my own little baby. I wanted my own house and a husband who would kiss me when he got home from work — just like Vera. Only I had a very different kind of house in mind. . . ."

"In Rochester, there was one royal family — the Kings, ironically enough. Royce King owned the bank my father worked at, and nearly every other really profitable business in town. That's how his son, Royce King the Second" — her mouth twisted around the name, it came out through her teeth — "saw me the first time. He was going to take over at the bank, and so he began overseeing the different positions. Two days later, my mother conveniently forgot to send my father's lunch to work with him. I remember being confused when she insisted that I wear my white organza and roll my hair up just to run over to the bank." Rosalie laughed without humour.

"We were engaged before I'd known him for two months. It wasn't a long engagement. Plans went ahead for the most lavish wedding. It was going to be everything I'd ever wanted. I was completely happy. When I called at Vera's, I no longer felt jealous. I pictured my fair-haired children playing on the huge lawns of the Kings' estate, and I pitied her."

Rosalie broke off suddenly, clenching her teeth together. It pulled me out of her story, and I realized that the horror was not far off. There would be no happy ending, as she'd promised. I wondered if this was why she had so much more bitterness in her than the rest of them — because she'd been within reach of everything she'd wanted when her human life was cut short.

In some ways, I was grateful that I had never felt that longing to have children; it made giving the dream up easier afterwards. I couldn't miss what I had never wanted.

"I was at Vera's that night," Rosalie whispered. Her face was smooth as marble, and as hard. "Her little Henry really was adorable, all smiles and dimples — he was just sitting up on his own. Vera walked me to the door as I was leaving, her baby in her arms and her husband at her side, his arm around her waist."

"I was a few streets from my house when I heard them. A cluster of men under a broken streetlamp, laughing too loud. Drunk. I wished I'd called my father to escort me home, but the way was so short, it seemed silly. And then he called my name."

I sat, frozen, as the words she was saying registered in my brain. My hands were clenched tightly into fists at my sides, and I could feel my heart rate pick up as I dreaded what she was going to say next.

"'Rose!' he yelled, and the others laughed stupidly.

"I hadn't realized the drunks were so well dressed. It was Royce and some of his friends, sons of other rich men.

"'Here's my Rose!' Royce shouted, laughing with them, sounding just as stupid. 'You're late. We're cold, you've kept us waiting so long.

What did I tell you, John,' Royce crowed, grabbing my arm and pulling me closer. 'Isn't she lovelier than all your Georgia peaches?"

"The man named John was dark-haired and suntanned. He looked me over like I was a horse he was buying.

"'It's hard to tell,' he drawled slowly. 'She's all covered up.'"

My entire body had tensed up. This could _not_ be happening. I was hanging on to her every word, hoping against hope that what I suspected happened, didn't happen.

I prayed that I was wrong in my guess at where this story was going.

"They laughed, Royce like the rest.

"Suddenly, Royce ripped my jacket from my shoulders — it was a gift from him — popping the brass buttons off. They scattered all over the street."

I flinched. I knew that sound all too well. It wasn't something I could ever forget.

"'Show him what you look like, Rose!' He laughed again and then he tore my hat out of my hair. The pins wrenched my hair from the roots, and I cried out in pain. They seemed to enjoy that — the sound of my pain. . . ."

_No, no, no, no,_ I repeated in my head, like a mantra.

I wasn't certain what I looked like, but I could feel myself shaking slightly. Rosalie looked at me suddenly, as if she'd forgotten I was there. I was sure my face was as white as hers. I focused on my clenched fists, trying to keep myself together. _Deep breaths, Bella_, I thought, _you can get through this._

"I won't make you listen to the rest," she said quietly. "They left me in the street, still laughing as they stumbled away. They thought I was dead. They were teasing Royce that he would have to find a new bride. He laughed and said he'd have to learn some patience first.

"I waited in the road to die. It was cold, though there was so much pain that I was surprised it bothered me. It started to snow, and I wondered why I wasn't dying. I was impatient for death to come, to end the pain. It was taking so long. . . .

"Carlisle found me then. He'd smelled the blood, and come to investigate. I remember being vaguely irritated as he worked over me, trying to save my life. I'd never liked Dr. Cullen or his wife and her brother — as Edward pretended to be then. It had upset me that they were all more beautiful than I was, especially that the men were. But they didn't mingle in society, so I'd only seen them once or twice."

_Edward._

I felt better when I heard her mention his name. _Focus on Edward, Bella._

He was like the light at the end my tunnel. I knew he would always be there for me–my salvation. I had calmed down somewhat by this point, and if Rosalie had noticed my fluctuating heart rate, she didn't comment on it.

"I thought I'd died when he pulled me from the ground and ran with me — because of the speed — it felt like I was flying. I remembered being horrified that the pain didn't stop. . . .

"The pain finally ended and they explained to me again what I was. This time I believed. I felt the thirst, my hard skin; I saw my brilliant red eyes.

"Shallow as I was, I felt better when I saw my reflection in the mirror the first time. Despite the eyes, I was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen." She laughed at herself for a moment. "It took some time before I began to blame the beauty for what had happened to me — for me to see the curse of it. To wish that I had been . . . well, not ugly, but normal. Like Vera.

So I could have been allowed to marry someone who loved _me_, and have pretty babies. That's what I'd really wanted, all along. It still doesn't seem like too much to have asked for."

_No, it isn't, _I thought. _It isn't too much to ask for. _

It would have been the natural path for me to take, but I hadn't gotten the chance to find out. She was thoughtful for a moment, and I wondered if she'd forgotten my presence again. But then she smiled at me, her expression suddenly triumphant.

"You know, my record is almost as clean as Carlisle's," she told me. "Better than Esme. A thousand times better than Edward. I've never tasted human blood," she announced proudly.

She understood my puzzled expression as I wondered why her record was only _almost_ as clean.

"I did murder five humans," she told me in a complacent tone. "If you can really call them _human_ . But I was very careful not to spill their blood — I knew I wouldn't be able to resist that, and I didn't want any part of them _in_ me, you see.

"I saved Royce for last. He was hiding inside a windowless room behind a door as thick as a bank vault's, guarded outside by armed men, when I caught up with him. Oops — seven murders," she corrected herself. "I forgot about his guards. They only took a second."

"I was overly theatrical. It was kind of childish, really. I wore a wedding dress I'd stolen for the occasion. He screamed when he saw me. He screamed a lot that night. Saving him for last was a good idea — it made it easier for me to control myself, to make it slower —"

She broke off suddenly, and she glanced down at me. "I'm sorry," she said in a chagrined voice. "I'm frightening you, aren't I?"

"Not in the way you think," I mumbled under my breath.

I had never entertained thoughts of revenge – anger, sure, I was angry at them for stripping me of my innocence, for violating me, for taking away chances of a future I had never considered – but revenge? No, I had never once thought I could've taken them on. I had been content to make a police report, and had felt gratification as the sons-of-bitches were caught. It scared me to think that if I were ever to become a vampire, all it would take was a flick of the wrist to end a life. I wasn't sure how tempted I would be to do just that.

"What?" Rosalie asked, confused by my answer.

"Nothing," I lied, "I'm fine."

"I'm sorry I got carried away."

"Don't worry about it."

We sat in silence for a moment, and she didn't seem inclined to go on.

"Would you tell me why you don't like me? Did I do something . . . ?" I now knew that we had a lot more in common than I initially thought. My feelings for her had changed completely, and I found myself wanting us to overcome whatever was left that had her feeling any animosity towards me.

"No, you haven't done anything," she murmured. "Not yet."

I stared at her, perplexed.

"Don't you see, Bella?" Her voice was suddenly more passionate than before, even while she'd told her unhappy story. "You already have _everything_ . You have a whole life ahead of you — everything I want. And you're going to just _throw it away_. Can't you see that I'd trade everything I have to be you? You have the choice that I didn't have, and you're choosing _wrong_!"

I flinched back from her fierce expression. _Oh_, I thought, _that's what she meant._ I realized my mouth had fallen open and I snapped it shut.

She stared at me for a long moment and, slowly, the fervour in her eyes dimmed. Abruptly, she was abashed.

"And I was so sure that I could do this calmly." She shook her head, seeming a little dazed by the flood of emotion.

"I don't have _everything_," I whispered, "I'm not throwing anything away."

"You can't know–"

"Please," I cut her off, "just let me finish."

She stared at me for a few moments, contemplating, then slowly inclined her head, indicating I should continue. I took a deep breath.

"I love Edward. He's given me so much, much more than he knows. Before him, I was…broken, damaged. I learned to hide it, so I wouldn't worry my mom, but it hurt, every day. People say time heals all wounds, but it didn't get better. I'd resigned myself to the fact that I would just have to live with the pain for the rest of my life.

But then he came along," I smiled, feeling a warmth spreading through me at the thought of the man I loved, "and he fixed me, he made me whole again. I wasn't broken anymore, and _he_ did that. So is it really so wrong of me to want to be with him forever? To want to start a new life with him? There's _nothing_ in this life for me, not anymore."

"Bella, I can see where you're coming from, but you don't understand," she said, a desperation in her voice, "You have these…opportunities, that I don't, and you're just throwing them away! You could have everything I've ever wanted, your own happily ever after! You have no idea what you're giving up–"

"I'm not giving up _anything_!" I shouted, stepping away from the couch, facing my back to her startled expression. I crossed my arms, trying to hold myself together. I had thought I would be in better control of my emotions. I was on the verge of tears, and I didn't want her to see how painful this still was for me.

"I'm not giving up anything," I repeated gently, after a few minutes. "I can't give up something that I already didn't have."

"What?" I heard the soft, musical voice behind me, "I don't understand."

I slowly turned around, my eyes willing her to just…get it.

"I'm not giving up my chance at having a family, at having children, because I don't have that chance. I haven't for a while now. I can't have children," I said, the tears finally spilling over.

"You – you can't have children?" she stuttered, shocked. "You mean, you're infertile?"

"No," I replied sadly, "not infertile. I can't have children for the same reason you can't."

She furrowed her brow for a moment, not comprehending. I stayed silent, waiting for it to come to her.

I watched the blonde vampire's face as it changed from confusion, to awareness, then shock and horror.

"But, he saved you! From those men in Port Angeles. Edward got there in time…"

"Not Port Angeles. It was in Phoenix, I was 14," I whispered, ignoring her stricken look, "walking home from the library one night. I hadn't realized how late it had gotten, I was so caught up in a book. I thought of calling my mom to come pick me up, but she was out on a date, her first since Charlie, and I didn't want to disturb her," I paused, readying myself for the next onslaught of images I knew would come.

"Halfway between the library and my house, there's this old, abandoned factory. It's the kind of place that gives you chills just by looking at it. I was so focused on the pavement in front of me, that I hadn't heard three men come up behind me. By the time I realized the danger, it was too late. They grabbed a hold of me and dragged me into the factory…" I trailed off, closing my eyes as I relived the horrible encounter.

"And after they were done, it took me hours before I could get up and walk the rest of the way home. I made a police report after that, and they were sent to jail. Other than not being able to get pregnant, I was mostly fine, just some superficial injuries. On the outside, at least," I took a deep breath, and opened my eyes to see the silhouette of a statue.

"So you see? I'm not giving up my future, because Edward _is_ my future. My only future."

I was silent for a while, allowing her to absorb what I said. I took the time to mull over the entire conversation. Truth be told, I hadn't intended on revealing this particular experience to anyone. I had always thought that it'd be the one thing I'd keep from Edward.

What was the point in telling him? It was over, and I just wanted to move on from it. But being here, hearing Rosalie tell her story; it didn't seem fair of me to stay quiet. I couldn't allow her to keep envying me for something I didn't have.

As much as I had wanted to spare Edward from knowing about this, it was too late now. Even if Rosalie were able to shield her thoughts from him, it wouldn't be fair to ask Alice and Esme, who had undoubtedly heard my tale as well, to keep it to themselves.

"Bella?" Rosalie broke me out of my reverie, "I'm…so sorry, I had no idea–"

"I know, it's okay. I've had time to deal with it, and I'm better now," I cut her off, feeling uneasy at the pained look on her face – it was out of place.

"But I've behaved so terribly, and I never even gave you a chance–"

"Rose," I said gently, sitting back down next to her and taking her hand, "it's okay. You don't have to apologize. It's enough for me now to know the reasons why you acted the way you did. I didn't hold it against you before, and I'm not about to start."

I didn't waver from her gaze, hoping she would let it go.

She didn't.

"I was a bitch to you!" she exclaimed, pulling her hand out of my grasp and standing up, "How can you just let that go? Why aren't you angry at all? How can you just sit there so calmly, and act like what I did was nothing?"

"It wasn't nothing," I replied, "but I've learnt that you can't hold on to the negative things in life. Yes, you treated me badly, but what was I supposed to do? Scream at you? Demand to know why you were acting as if I were the devil incarnate? I couldn't do that. I couldn't lash out at you just because you hated me. I just kept quiet. Mostly out of fear, at first, but later I realized that you probably had your own reasons for not being able to accept me. So I'm not holding it against you."

She stared at the moon in silence. It was a few moments before she spoke.

"Why didn't you tell Edward?"

"I was…scared, at first. Not of him, but that he wouldn't want me after he learned I was _tainted_. I was working up the courage to tell him, but then the whole James thing happened, and I didn't want to add on to it. I tried telling him again, but then you all left. And after Italy, Jacob, marriage, changing me, Victoria…there just hasn't been a right time. Too late now, I guess."

"I won't tell him, Bella. Not if you don't want me to. I can keep him out of my head, and I'm sure Esme and Alice would too," she said, completely serious.

"Yes, Bella," I looked up to see Alice and Esme in the doorway, "we won't let Edward know if that's what you want."

"No," I shook my head, "thank you, but no. It wouldn't be fair to any of you. And it wouldn't be fair to Edward. It's time I told him anyway. If I could just ask you to not think about it immediately after he comes back? I want to be the one to break it to him."

"Of course, honey," Esme replied, flitting to my side and putting an arm around my shoulders.

"And do you think you could tell Carlisle, Jasper and Emmett? I don't think I can tell the story again after Edward, and I'd rather not keep this from anyone any longer," I said, suddenly exhausted. The events of the past hour were catching up to me.

"Don't worry, Bella," Alice said, "we'll take care of it. You should get some rest."

"Thanks Alice, Esme," I smiled, "Rose, do you think you could stay for a minute?"

"Goodnight, Bella," Esme said as they left the room. I gathered my thoughts before looking up at the blonde vampire in earnest.

"I just wanted to say, thanks. It's nice to understand…to know you better."

"I want to thank you too, Bella, for sharing your story with me. I know it wasn't easy. And for the record, I never hated you. I was just jealous, I guess."

"Well, now you know that there's nothing to be jealous of," I paused, "and now I can go back to being jealous of your insane beauty, your speed, your strength, your immortality . . ."

"My ability to walk properly . . ." she continued, smirking.

I smiled in response, glad that we were able to come to an understanding, and start with a clean slate.

"I _apologize_ for my clumsiness," I said sarcastically.

"And I apologize for being such a monster." She grinned. "I'll try to behave myself from now on."

I grinned back at her.

She got up silently and ghosted to the door. "Goodnight, Bella," she whispered as she shut it behind herself.

"Goodnight, Rosalie," I murmured a second too late.

**End.**


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